An insight into me...

It's funny how an insignificant person in your life, and a seemingly insignificant moment in your life can give you great insight into yourself. I had an insight into one of my greatest fears and weaknesses while working out at the gym yesterday.
I've always thought that I was very self-aware about my strengths and weaknesses, and that no one could tell me something about myself that I didn't already know. Well, I figured something out last night that I'm sure others have seen, but until now I haven't seen myself.
I have a very strong fear of failure and disappointing others and myself. I know this is a very common fear for people, but I never really thought it was one of myself. Perhaps this is because I have had a fairly easy time thus far succeeding in things that I have set out to do. I don't say this to sound conceited or vain, but so far, things have come fairly easy to me. When presented with something that isn't as easy and presents some struggle, I have become terrified that through my failure, people will start to see a weak person in me.
I don't like failing. I don't like letting people down. Until now, I have had the power to control the outcomes in my life so that I don't fail and I don't let people down. Since becoming an independent adult (yuck, I still don't like saying that word about myself) I have realized that I am not brilliantly talented in every aspect of life, and that sometimes I actually suck and have to eat a little humble pie and learn how to be better. What I don't enjoy about all of this, is that while I am able to eat a little humble pie and learn something in some situations, others seem to be a little more difficult.
Remember how I said in the beginning that I am fairly self aware and know my weaknesses...? Well, a couple of my previously known weaknesses are my incredible stubbornness and pride. These come into play when it comes to not succeeding in the things that I am trying to accomplish. When I start to have difficulty in something, and failure is imminent, my stubbornness and pride come into play. I all of a sudden am so stubborn and prideful that I will make it even more difficult for myself to succeed. I get angry at myself for my performance, and rather than just accept that I may not be good at everything, I will become stubborn and sabotage my success. I think I do this so that then it is completely in my control whether I succeed or fail. If it is because of me that I fail, then I didn't truly fail. This is a weakness that I really need to work on. Maybe if I wasn't so brilliantly wonderful in everything previously (please note the sarcasm...) then this wouldn't be such a problem...I need to learn to fail gracefully. I am not sure quite how to learn this, but it is definitely a problem and I need to figure out a way to be okay with failing if I truly put everything into it and still fail. I have a hard enough time with some things, and I don't need to make myself into another obstacle to get over.
I'm not looking for a solution right now. I just wanted to post this as a way to really process what I'm feeling today.
Well, I guess that's all. I know it is very rambly and disorganized, but when I'm processing, I just go wherever the keys take me.

I'm a copycat

I am completely copying Kristy with this, but I realized I needed to update my blog, but had absolutely nothing useful or interesting to say...so here goes...
Name: Jenn (or Jenn Klopp, Hobbit, Jenna Talia, Jenna Talia Klopp, Ass Tird, etc.)
Birthdate: February 3rd, 1982...yeah, I'm old...
Birthplace: Wichita, KS
Current Location: Longmont, CO
Eye Color: I've been told my eyes are hazel...
Hair Color: It is black right now...I'm quite bored with it, but there is nothing I can do about it unless I want to bleach it and color over it again...not the best idea, so I guess I'll just wait for it to grow out.
Height: 5'2" on a good day...
Weight: Nunya...
Piercings: Just the ears...
Tattoos: I have 3...2 that I love, and 1 stupid one I did when I was a freshman in college
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: I like Kristy's response..."I am your permanent single friend."
Overused Phrase: "I feel like..." I almost never use it in a fashion where I could actually be feeling like something...it is mostly ridiculous.
FAVORITES
Food: Mac and Cheese...I'm high class like that...
Candy: Chewy Spree
Number: 42 or 17
Color: Green
Animal: I like lots of animals, but I suppose dogs
Drink: Iced Tea
Alcoholic Drink: I love fruity beers at the Red Zone...I also love margaritas...
Bagel: Pesto from Old World Bagels in Colorado Springs...can't find it anywhere else...
Letter: I've never actually thought about it...I guess I like the letter Z because of how you sign it in ASL...
Body Part on Opposite sex: Forearms...and Biceps (I will be quite stereotypical with that response...)
This or That
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
McDonalds or BurgerKing: McDonalds
Strawberry or Watermelon: Watermelon
Hot tea or Iced tea: Depends on the time and weather...I love them both...
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate all the way...unless it is cake, and then it is vanilla.
Hot Chocolate or Coffee: Coffee lately...I need caffeine
Kiss or Hug: I like them both, but probably kisses more...
Dog or Cat: Dogs, but I also do love kitties...
Rap or Punk: Well, the answer used to be rap, but now I just listen to rap from back in the day...I don't really love either of these nowadays...
Summer or Winter: Summer...but I do love winter for the scarves...
Scary Movies or Funny Movies: Funny...I can't do scary...I have to pray myself to sleep when I watch scary...
Love or Money: Love...cliche but true.
YOUR...
Bedtime: Between 11 and 12 most nights...
Most Missed Memory: There are too many...probably having BBQs at our 8th Ave house my last year in Greeley...that was the best...
Best phyiscal feature: I like my hair...I like my eyes too...
First Thought Waking Up: Snooze...
Best Friends: I have a couple...I don't need to go into it because they know who they are...
Weakness: I am very unorganized and have a hard time getting things finished that I feel are tedious or insignificant...
Fears: Heights and clowns mostly...
Heritage: German all the way through...
Longest relationship: Not very long...
HAVE YOU...
Ever Drank: Yes...
Ever Smoked: I like cigars...I've had a cigarette once...
Pot: Never have
Ever been Drunk: Yes......
Ever been beaten up: I get punched in the face by Emily all the time...I am now the president of the Mutant Support Group.
Ever beaten someone up: Again, I punch Emily in the face all the time. She is a member of the Mutant Support Group.
Ever Shoplifted: Not intentionally.
Ever Skinny Dipped: No...no one needs that...
Ever Kissed Opposite sex: Yes...
Been Dumped Lately: Nope, I did the dumping last time...
IN A GUY/GIRL
Favorite Eye Color: It doesn't really matter, but I have always loved green.
Favorite Hair Color: Don't really care, but I love dark hair.
Short or Long: Either long or bald...I've never really gone for the typical haircut...
Height: It doesn't really matter to me, but for some reason I've always gone for tall guys...
Style: As long as he wears clean clothes and doesn't wear jean shorts, we're good to go...
Looks or Personality: Personality...gotta live with that whether they're pretty or not...
Hot or Cute: Um...either...? I don't really know...
Muscular or Really Skinny: I don't like skinny, so anyone past skinny is fine with me...
RANDOMS
Number of Regrets in the Past: I have a couple...I'm not going into them.
What country do you want to Visit: Somewhere in Africa...maybe Nigeria...
And....
How do you want to Die: I don't know...
Been to the Mall Lately: I went a week ago or so...
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes!!! A lot...
Get along with your Parents: For the most part..
Health Freak: Uh...no...
Do you think you're Attractive: Sometimes...
Believe in Yourself: Sometimes.
Want to go to College: Already did...
Shower Daily: Yes...I have to or I won't wake up...
Been in Love: Nope...don't think so...
Do you Sing: Yes...
Want to get Married: I do eventually...I'm not in a rush.
Do you want Children: Yes...
Have your future kids names planned out: I have a name I like, but we'll see what actually happens.
Age you wanna lose your Virginity: What??? This is stupid...
Hate anyone: No.

There you go...a bunch of useless information you never wanted to know about me....

Ramblings...

I am not sure what I'm going to write about. I've been thinking a lot about what I'm doing in my life right now. Sometimes I'm extremely happy and proud to be doing what I'm doing. I like the fact that I'm working with people who allow me to experience so many different emotions surrounding my job. I'm lucky that I don't just go to work and do the exact same thing every day and go home ready to start again the next morning.
On the other hand, I feel like I experience the latter somewhat too. I really do enjoy my clients and the coworkers that I work with, but sometimes the details and paperwork just really get me down. It's an inevitable part of my job, but somehow that doesn't make it feel any less mundane. I really do find joy in interacting with my clients. They are so great! They can be hilarious, sweet, kind, and so freaking difficult too. They are one of the two reasons I continue to do what I do. The other reason is my awesome team at Chestor House. I truly couldn't do this job without them, and they have become like family to me. It is they who make it difficult for me to even think about leaving this job.
That being said, I still feel like I am missing something in my life. I feel like my potential is not being realized where I am. I feel like my gifts are not being fully explored and I wonder how much longer I can go along in the same exact place in my life.
I know I'm not that old, but I do want someone in my life to share all these thoughts with. Am I holding myself back being afraid to leave this job and this place...? I don't know. I love the people in my life, but I'm afraid I'm so comfortable that I'm becoming complacent. I just want some answers and I don't know how to get them.
Actually, that's not true. I know exactly where I SHOULD go for answers and guidance, but it turns out that I'm not actually very good at letting go of the decisions in my life. I know that God might have a little better point of view than I do, but somehow I continue wanting to keep my decisions for myself, and then wondering later why I feel so confused.
I'm probably one of the most stubborn people that I know, which is why it becomes so hard to allow someone else to come in and disagree with me on how I should handle my life. I also have a very hard time giving up control in so many aspects of my life. It's actually kind of ridiculous but I'm not sure I know how to let go.
I think that is the answer to all these questions I have. If I give up control, who knows what will happen...In all of these things, I am in control and I don't want to give it up. Maybe if I loosen my grip even a little bit, I will start to see things in a different way and I will be able to see my life more clearly.
Well, I realize just how unorganized and scattered that is. BTW, that is all basically a way for me to process my thoughts, so please understand that I realize it doesn't make a lot of sense. I am just someone who has to actually see it on paper or hear myself say it to make it real and make it relevant.
Well, that's about all for now. I hope to have something more coherent next time.

Christmas Excitement!!!

So...if I can somehow get through this next week of craziness, I will be so ecstatic!
My next few days of work will be pretty stressful. It seems like even though December should be the most peaceful with Christmas around the bend, it actually becomes very busy and chaotic. Specifically, in my job, it seems like my clients tend to go a little crazy, and my job becomes more difficult and hectic. If I can make it through my crazy meetings in the next week, I have some really exciting things going on. I'm going to share those with you, since a lot of time my blogs are about complaining about being an adult or complaining about boys.
In about a week, I get to go to some really fun things.
I get to go to the ballet. It's very cultured of me, really. I've never been to the ballet and we are going to see the Nutcracker by the Colorado Ballet. It should be really great, and we are going to dress up and make a night on the town out of it.
After that I get to go to the Broncos game! It's my Christmas present from my parents and I'm so excited. I'm hoping that they play well...I don't want to find out that I'm bad luck when I'm there...
After that, I get to go and get a massage! I have only had one massage in my life, so it will be a great way to release some tension I've been accumulating in the last several months.
I'm on vacation for 2 whole weeks at the end of December, so that will be amazing. I can relax and just be away from the chaos of my job. I get to go home for a few days to spend Christmas with my family. I haven't had more than one day off in a row this year, so to have 2 full weeks away from work to clear my mind and revitalize myself, will be really amazing.
Well, I guess that's all for now. I'm just really blessed and sometimes I have to remember that in the midst of the stresses of my job.

Anthem

I'm looking to you
But you don't even know what
I'm looking for.
And yet, it's not your fault.
You don't have the
Ability
To be the shape of my heart
Why do I try to force
You to be something you will
Never be?
You can't fill my heart
You can't be my gratification
And yet I feel my heart pulling
I look to your eyes, but
All I can see in your eyes, are hers.
Mine well up
I'm not looking to you
Anymore
I look up
My arms stretch to the clouds
HIS eyes are looking
At only me
HE says come,
Let ME be the shape
Of your heart
Let ME fill you with all
You need
HIS grasp is mighty
And I feel
My gaze melt away from
You
And rest only on HIM.

I swore I wouldn't do this...

Okay...I swore I would never do this, but here goes. I am writing the "BOY" blog. I started my blog with the intention of writing about whatever came to mind, but also with the intention that I would not allow it to become a venting session about boy troubles or how I'm single. I'm not defined by my marital status, and I didn't want my blog to be either.
Let me start off by saying that I am actually very happy in my life. I'm not sitting around saying, "Woe is me. I'm so sad that I'm single." I actually feel quite the opposite about how my life is. I enjoy my life. I enjoy my friends. I have an active social life. I don't feel like I am less of a person because I'm single. I enjoy my life and think that it is full, however, I do wish to one day be in a relationship with a wonderful person who I can share my full life with.
What I have found as I've grown older, is that there are no good guys around. Everyone will tell me different, but I know the truth. I have found none, and when I think I finally have found someone great, it turns out to be a lie. I am tired of guys who look great on paper, but turn out to be duds in real life. I am tired of finding a person that I think would be great, but then find out that he is actually a complete D-bag in reality.
It gets very frustrating when you think that you're a great person, but yet it seems that nothing will ever pan out. I think I am quite a catch, and it would just be great to find a guy who agrees, without putting me in the "friend zone." I absolutely hate the friend zone.
If I sound angry or annoyed, it's because I am. This is all coming because of specific guys in my life who have made it seem that there are no real men out there.
I wish I could stop with the search, and just find someone. Or just realize I am destined for singleness, so I can stop expecting to find someone.
I'm sorry. I know this sounds very bitter, but I'm almost 27 and I don't know if it will ever happen for me.
And please, any attached friends, don't try to make me feel like there are some out there. I'm just here venting and I'm not looking for you to tell me that you found your mate late in life, or that there really are great guys out there. I'm not looking for comfort, sympathy, or pity.
I just needed to get my frustrations out.
Any of you single ladies out there, who understand my plight, this is for you. We love our lives, we would just love to be able to stop apologizing for our shortcomings as single women...

Election Day!

It's finally here...Election Day. It feels like it's been coming for quite a while now. I'll admit; I'm pretty ready for the political ads to stop airing, and the political emails to cease; however, I'm actually going to miss the hype. I don't like politics, and I really don't like debating politics, but there has been so much hype going into this specific election surrounding the historical importance, that once it is over, it will be like, "where did all the drama go...?"
Don't get me wrong...I do want it to be over, but it was kind of cool while it lasted. I mean, we got to be a part of something huge. The first ever African American candidate who may become our first ever African American president. I'm not going to say who I voted for, because really it's none of your business, but no matter who you vote for, you have to agree that it is pretty cool that the nation is moving in a good direction regarding equality (at least on the surface).
Well, at this point, I've done my civic duty and I have voted, so I guess all I can say is that God's will is going to be done, no matter which candidate ultimately becomes our next president. I'm not worried, I'm putting it in His hands.