Fear...

Handicapping. Fear makes you question everything that you think you are and think you can be. Fear is my biggest enemy right now. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. Fear of judgment. Fear. Plain ol', all encompassing fear.

I have been thinking a lot lately of my life and what direction it will take. I know I should seek God more in this part of my thought process, but it is way too scary to do that. What if He wants me to actually do something...? Yeah, that's my fear. Do something. It's so much easier to just stay put and continue on the path I'm on right now. But it is also so much less satisfying and fulfilling to just stay on this path. I know I can do more, I know I'm meant for more...so why am I so afraid to try? If anyone has any answers, I welcome them.

I have been challenged by a dear friend to embrace the fear I experience and do something about it. He is not letting me sit by idly and just be an onlooker on life. He understands feeling paralyzed by fear. He is paralyzed by it himself. We are going to push each other to do more, to live more, to fail more if that is what it takes to move forward and try to be what we are meant to be in this life. I'm so thankful for this friend, and I am not going to allow fear to rule my life anymore. I made a promise to this friend to make steps, albeit small steps, to figure out the path God has carved out and he will do the same. We are going to support each other in these endeavors, and hopefully be there to see the success that will come from trusting God and trusting others.

I am excited (and still incredibly terrified...) to make these small steps to be better than I am now. I have seen incredible growth in some parts of my life lately, and it is time to make some decisions and continue to grow in more areas of life. Stay tuned...time to kick this fear's ass...

Love,
Yenn

Progress...in case you were wondering :)

Hey All! I told you I would keep you updated so I wanted to put up some progress pics of before and after. Just wanted to share because you've all been so supportive!

Hello Blog World!

All right, ya'll...I know last post I said I would be more consistent...I lied. What can you do...??

Once again, I just have a few updates...most good, actually, so that's nice.

1. My brother got married back in September. It was a beautiful ceremony. Now I have a sister-in-law and that is pretty fun. I had a great time at the wedding and I'm so glad to have another girl in the family!!

2. I have lost 85 pounds to date...whew...sometimes I still can't believe it when I look at that number. I have about 50 pounds to go to reach my ultimate goal of 135, so I'm definitely working toward that. I definitely feel better about myself...I feel more positive. It is definitely not all easy though. I have to completely re-align my thinking. I have been so used to being the "fat girl" that I have to figure out how not to be her anymore. It sounds weird, but so true. I have to re-think what I know about myself, and trust what others tell me. I never knew there was so much psychological poo to sift through when you lose a bunch of weight...but it turns out that there is. I'm trying not to focus on it too much, because I don't want to stop being me, and I don't want to get a big head...it's just so new that I'm still figuring it all out. So please, friends, grant me some grace...:)

3. I have a ton of ideas of things I would like to do with my life...way too many in fact. Since starting this latest phase of my life, several things have popped into my head of what I might enjoy doing and be good at. I have thought for a while of doing physical therapy, but since I am still lacking in necessary prerequisite experience, I would have to go through a physical therapy assistant program. This is still an option, but I have several others I'm thinking of too...I am interested in going back to school for Dietetics, Occupational Therapy, or even becoming a personal trainer...that last one freaks me out, but it is something that I thinkI would enjoy quite a bit...so right now I'm in limbo, and I'm trying to weigh my options.

4. My dear friends Terry Hawkmoon Kiel and Jessica Chang are getting married in one month. I'm in the wedding and I'm SOOO excited for them! I was around when they first started dating and I have seen their relationship grow, and it has been so awesome to be around and see it happen. I'm so happy for them, and I'm so excited to be a part of their wedding!

Well, I thought I had more to report, but I suppose that is it. I'm sure I'll think of more as soon as I hit "Publish post" but for now, this will have to do.

Love,
Yenn

Sorry for the delay...

So, it's basically been forever since I've posted anything...2 and a half months to be exact...I know that the 3 readers I have don't actually care because you talk to me on a regular basis, but whatevs...let's pretend that it matters if I post.

So...I haven't had too much to talk about, thus the lack in posts. I guess I can report a few things. Some informational, and some just because :)

1. My bout of "depression" is still there, but it is definitely an up and down battle. I'm feeling better about life in general, there are just some situational things that still get me down. I wouldn't say it is depression, just some pretty normal emotional reactions to situations that arise in life. Thanks to everyone for the encouragement, and I'm continuing to fight that mini battle in my life.

2. I have lost 35 pounds to date. It is really encouraging that for once in my life I am actually sticking to something and making a real, positive change for myself. I have actually learned a lot about myself and about my character. It's not all pretty, but I think that I'm on the right track. I'll keep you all updated on my progress.

3. Broncos regular season starts in less than a month!!!!! I can't freaking wait! I am also reserving my judgment of the team and the QB for the regular season. There is absolutely no reason to speculate on things until we see their feet touch the turf for a full game of real football. I don't want to talk about Orton or McD or Marshall until we see what actually happens. That is that.

4. I went on vacation. It was wonderful. I took a road trip with Kristy and Karla to L.A. and it was fabulous to get away and go on a drama-free trip with great friends. We hung out with Kristy's friend Ronalee (she's great!), and she became our personal tour guide for the trip. We went to Pasadena, Hollywood, Rodeo Dr., Malibu Beach, and Warner Bros. Studios. We even got to hang out on the set that Gilmore Girls was filmed and have dinner outside Luke's Diner!!! Dream come true. It was a really great adventure, and I learned something very valuable...I absolutely never want to live or even visit Utah. Just trust me, it bursts into flames...I take that as a sign.

5. I think I know what the next step of my life should be...I want to be a physical therapist. I haven't been able to take any next steps for that goal yet, but I know that it is something I am very interested in. I am just having a hard time figuring out how to get started towards it. I'm lacking in necessary clinical experience to be able to apply for schools, so I have to figure out how I would obtain that experience, and therein lies the problem. It is a fairly early idea, so I'm still in the beginning stages of figuring things out, but I just thought I would put it out there and see what ya'll thought.

6. I am quite pathetic, but I'm so excited for Project Runway and So You Think You Can Dance to start back up again.

7. My brother is getting married in less than a month. I'm very excited for him because I just love the girl he has chosen! I am in the wedding, which is a little strange for me because I'm not used to standing up in front of people in a dress while they stare, but I'm sure it will be beautiful and a lot of fun.

I think I'm out of updates for you. I know this wasn't a very exciting post, but I am at work and decided to do something completely unproductive and not at all work-related, so there you go.

love,
Yenn

Bright perspective...

I have had a shift in perspective in the last couple of days. It's actually a really positive shift and I think I'm going to grow and "shrink" because of it.

I received some free sessions with a personal trainer at my gym because Jim (the owner of the gym...) wanted me to try this guy out and see if I would like working with him. When I got to the gym Monday morning to meet with him the first time, he did an entire evaluation/consultation with me. I had to fill out a questionnaire that asked all kinds of medical/physical questions and also asked about my goals. Then I had to do the dreaded weigh-in and BMI reading...oh boy...let's just say that I didn't realize how bad I had gotten...I started crying to the poor trainer kid. He just kind of stared at me not sure what to do and eventually just continued talking. It was a really hard morning for me, but ultimately it has done wonders for me.

It was a really good wake-up call for me that I have not been taking care of myself in any way. I have been dealing with some depression lately and I think yesterday my blinders came off and I realized just how unhappy and "un-me" I had become. I'm sure people in my life had noticed, but I think I was in denial of how I had been feeling. I think I just kind of started feeling lost and very out of control. My eating definitely reflected that, and so did my moods. I would be happy sometimes, but ultimately I felt out of control and I felt like I didn't know what I was doing in my life. I realize now that a lot of that has to do with how I've taken care of my body, and how that has affected the rest of me. Part of it has to do with the fact that I have been isolating myself from God. I haven't really wanted anything to do with Him because I didn't know where I was. I was kind of lost. I don't know why...I just know that I was feeling off and I didn't really know why. I think it is a combo effort of my eating and how I felt about my body because of it, my more recent lack of friends in the area, my feelings of inadequacy at my job, and my isolation from searching for God. I think I was feeling lonely and inadequate in lots of areas of my life, and so turned to food and feeling sorry for myself which just perpetuated a downward spiral into this depression I've been in lately.

The reason I'm sharing all of this is that I'm asking for support. I am starting to eat healthy and work out on a regular basis. I'm going to try to scrounge up some money so I can pay for this trainer as it provides a great deal of accountability. I'm going to start putting an effort forth to be available to God and search for Him in my daily life again. I think that with all of these things I will start to feel a difference. I already feel a bright perspective in my life. I'm trying to look around each day (this is going to sound really fluffy, but it's true) and notice all the beauty there is. I have been looking at the mountains more and realizing how wonderful it is to drink coffee and eat eggs in the morning.

What I need from you all is to remind me why I'm doing what I'm doing. Remind me that God has good things in store for me and that I need to take care of myself to be able to fully accept those things from Him. I am already starting to feel more positive and I know that doing these things will ultimately help me feel better about myself and about everything in my life.

I love you all and appreciate you all.

Love,
Yenn

Boredom...

I am bored. And I am broke. That is a bad combination. I did however have a pretty eventful and fun weekend.

On Friday night we had a "party" at our house. It started out a little on the lame side, but eventually turned out pretty fun. At the outset of our party only 4 people had shown up (and not exactly fun people at that). I got kind of discouraged because about an hour before the party started we received calls or texts from several people saying they could no longer come. I kept thinking about how lame we were...but then, my dear friend T.J. walked in my kitchen. Now, I had been trying to get ahold of him for several days to see if he could come, and he was not returning any messages...so when he walked in the kitchen, I was literally shocked to see him...and then, Emily walked in a few minutes later! We officially had a party, plus my other Emily came too! It turned out to be pretty fun and there was a good group of people there, so we had a successful party afterall.

Saturday was Courtney and Brian's wedding. They had a beautiful outdoor wedding, which did get rained on a few times through the evening, but it was beautiful nonetheless. I loved how simple and pretty everything was, and it was so much fun to just hang out and dance with all my friends for 5 hours! I only had one momentary freak out about being one of very few singles there, but that was a short-lived freak out and I was able to still enjoy myself throughout the night. I'm so happy for Courtney and Brian. They were obviously very in love and it was a beautiful night for them!

Sunday night we decided to walk over to our fave bar in Longmont, the Red Zone, since we didn't have to work Monday. We walked over and enjoyed a few drinks and company. I did become incredibly irritated with a gentleman who joined us for drinks who just happens to be an incredibly huge tool and douche bag, but that didn't ruin the night. In fact, when we moved our group outside to sit at the bar, we got to talk to our favorite bartender, Brent (he is kind of great...). He is just really cool and I may or may not have a ginormous crush on him...he talked to us for a while and then told us our drinks were on him since he never gets to buy us drinks! I was pretty excited about that (simple pleasures for me, folks...).

Monday I slept in and had lunch with Shmembo and bought Copeland's latest album. So far, so good. Then I watched the Nuggets annihilate Kobe and the Lakers.

That was my weekend. You got way more information than you ever wanted, but there it is. I just thought I'd give a little update for anyone who was interested.

Love,
Yenn

8 Things (so you can stop harassing me through your blog, Kristy...)

Here is a blog dedicated to my dear friend Kristy. It is titled:
8 Things:

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Slept in until noon. I was up way too late Saturday night.
2. Watched the Lakers kill the Rockets...boo. I hate the Lakers. I hate Kobe Bryant. Now the Nuggets have to play them and their smug faces...
3. Went to dinner at Chili's. That is 2 days in a row...I'm in a rut.
4. "Helped" our new roommate move some of his things in.
5. Watched Iron Chef America.
6. I lead a very sad life apparently...I can't think of 2 more things I did...
7. Sat on the couch being lazy because it was Sunday and I was sad that the next day was monday...
8. Drank wine to commence the era of Mary and Jenn.



8 Things I am Looking Forward To:
1. Our party on Friday...It's finally summer and we are celebrating!
2. Courtney and Brian's wedding on Saturday. It will be interesting if nothing else...
3. Watching The Hills tonight...I love it. I'm not ashamed.
4. The first game of the Nuggets-Lakers series Tuesday night...I'm looking forward to it, but I'm so nervous!
5. Broncos Fanfair! I'm excited for it, even though I probably won't meet any players I actually know since I'm pretty sure McD got rid of 78% of the players from last year...
6. Going to a Rockies game with the college girls! It's a reunion of sorts!
7. Having a "secret" rendezvous with a friend...
8. Doing the Autism Walk on May 30th!



8 TV Shows I Watch:
1. The Hills...obviously.
2. LOST!!!!! Even though I have to wait another 7 months to watch it again!
3. So You Think You Can Dance...it starts soooo soon!
4. The Office
5. Gilmore Girls...I want my own Jess-Luke combo.
6. Grey's Anatomy...I freaking bawl my eyes out every week!
7. House...I love it, even if he is a rip-off of Dr. Cox.
8. American Idol! Finale this week!



8 Favorite Bands:
1. The Format...I don't care if they aren't together anymore...they still hold my heart.
2. Muse
3. Copeland
4. Mute Math
5. FUN
6. Foo Fighters
7. The Heyday
8. Eisley

Okay, there it is. Several lists for your reading pleasure...Enjoy.
Love,
Jenn