Ramblings...

I am not sure what I'm going to write about. I've been thinking a lot about what I'm doing in my life right now. Sometimes I'm extremely happy and proud to be doing what I'm doing. I like the fact that I'm working with people who allow me to experience so many different emotions surrounding my job. I'm lucky that I don't just go to work and do the exact same thing every day and go home ready to start again the next morning.
On the other hand, I feel like I experience the latter somewhat too. I really do enjoy my clients and the coworkers that I work with, but sometimes the details and paperwork just really get me down. It's an inevitable part of my job, but somehow that doesn't make it feel any less mundane. I really do find joy in interacting with my clients. They are so great! They can be hilarious, sweet, kind, and so freaking difficult too. They are one of the two reasons I continue to do what I do. The other reason is my awesome team at Chestor House. I truly couldn't do this job without them, and they have become like family to me. It is they who make it difficult for me to even think about leaving this job.
That being said, I still feel like I am missing something in my life. I feel like my potential is not being realized where I am. I feel like my gifts are not being fully explored and I wonder how much longer I can go along in the same exact place in my life.
I know I'm not that old, but I do want someone in my life to share all these thoughts with. Am I holding myself back being afraid to leave this job and this place...? I don't know. I love the people in my life, but I'm afraid I'm so comfortable that I'm becoming complacent. I just want some answers and I don't know how to get them.
Actually, that's not true. I know exactly where I SHOULD go for answers and guidance, but it turns out that I'm not actually very good at letting go of the decisions in my life. I know that God might have a little better point of view than I do, but somehow I continue wanting to keep my decisions for myself, and then wondering later why I feel so confused.
I'm probably one of the most stubborn people that I know, which is why it becomes so hard to allow someone else to come in and disagree with me on how I should handle my life. I also have a very hard time giving up control in so many aspects of my life. It's actually kind of ridiculous but I'm not sure I know how to let go.
I think that is the answer to all these questions I have. If I give up control, who knows what will happen...In all of these things, I am in control and I don't want to give it up. Maybe if I loosen my grip even a little bit, I will start to see things in a different way and I will be able to see my life more clearly.
Well, I realize just how unorganized and scattered that is. BTW, that is all basically a way for me to process my thoughts, so please understand that I realize it doesn't make a lot of sense. I am just someone who has to actually see it on paper or hear myself say it to make it real and make it relevant.
Well, that's about all for now. I hope to have something more coherent next time.

Christmas Excitement!!!

So...if I can somehow get through this next week of craziness, I will be so ecstatic!
My next few days of work will be pretty stressful. It seems like even though December should be the most peaceful with Christmas around the bend, it actually becomes very busy and chaotic. Specifically, in my job, it seems like my clients tend to go a little crazy, and my job becomes more difficult and hectic. If I can make it through my crazy meetings in the next week, I have some really exciting things going on. I'm going to share those with you, since a lot of time my blogs are about complaining about being an adult or complaining about boys.
In about a week, I get to go to some really fun things.
I get to go to the ballet. It's very cultured of me, really. I've never been to the ballet and we are going to see the Nutcracker by the Colorado Ballet. It should be really great, and we are going to dress up and make a night on the town out of it.
After that I get to go to the Broncos game! It's my Christmas present from my parents and I'm so excited. I'm hoping that they play well...I don't want to find out that I'm bad luck when I'm there...
After that, I get to go and get a massage! I have only had one massage in my life, so it will be a great way to release some tension I've been accumulating in the last several months.
I'm on vacation for 2 whole weeks at the end of December, so that will be amazing. I can relax and just be away from the chaos of my job. I get to go home for a few days to spend Christmas with my family. I haven't had more than one day off in a row this year, so to have 2 full weeks away from work to clear my mind and revitalize myself, will be really amazing.
Well, I guess that's all for now. I'm just really blessed and sometimes I have to remember that in the midst of the stresses of my job.

Anthem

I'm looking to you
But you don't even know what
I'm looking for.
And yet, it's not your fault.
You don't have the
Ability
To be the shape of my heart
Why do I try to force
You to be something you will
Never be?
You can't fill my heart
You can't be my gratification
And yet I feel my heart pulling
I look to your eyes, but
All I can see in your eyes, are hers.
Mine well up
I'm not looking to you
Anymore
I look up
My arms stretch to the clouds
HIS eyes are looking
At only me
HE says come,
Let ME be the shape
Of your heart
Let ME fill you with all
You need
HIS grasp is mighty
And I feel
My gaze melt away from
You
And rest only on HIM.