Ramblings...

I am not sure what I'm going to write about. I've been thinking a lot about what I'm doing in my life right now. Sometimes I'm extremely happy and proud to be doing what I'm doing. I like the fact that I'm working with people who allow me to experience so many different emotions surrounding my job. I'm lucky that I don't just go to work and do the exact same thing every day and go home ready to start again the next morning.
On the other hand, I feel like I experience the latter somewhat too. I really do enjoy my clients and the coworkers that I work with, but sometimes the details and paperwork just really get me down. It's an inevitable part of my job, but somehow that doesn't make it feel any less mundane. I really do find joy in interacting with my clients. They are so great! They can be hilarious, sweet, kind, and so freaking difficult too. They are one of the two reasons I continue to do what I do. The other reason is my awesome team at Chestor House. I truly couldn't do this job without them, and they have become like family to me. It is they who make it difficult for me to even think about leaving this job.
That being said, I still feel like I am missing something in my life. I feel like my potential is not being realized where I am. I feel like my gifts are not being fully explored and I wonder how much longer I can go along in the same exact place in my life.
I know I'm not that old, but I do want someone in my life to share all these thoughts with. Am I holding myself back being afraid to leave this job and this place...? I don't know. I love the people in my life, but I'm afraid I'm so comfortable that I'm becoming complacent. I just want some answers and I don't know how to get them.
Actually, that's not true. I know exactly where I SHOULD go for answers and guidance, but it turns out that I'm not actually very good at letting go of the decisions in my life. I know that God might have a little better point of view than I do, but somehow I continue wanting to keep my decisions for myself, and then wondering later why I feel so confused.
I'm probably one of the most stubborn people that I know, which is why it becomes so hard to allow someone else to come in and disagree with me on how I should handle my life. I also have a very hard time giving up control in so many aspects of my life. It's actually kind of ridiculous but I'm not sure I know how to let go.
I think that is the answer to all these questions I have. If I give up control, who knows what will happen...In all of these things, I am in control and I don't want to give it up. Maybe if I loosen my grip even a little bit, I will start to see things in a different way and I will be able to see my life more clearly.
Well, I realize just how unorganized and scattered that is. BTW, that is all basically a way for me to process my thoughts, so please understand that I realize it doesn't make a lot of sense. I am just someone who has to actually see it on paper or hear myself say it to make it real and make it relevant.
Well, that's about all for now. I hope to have something more coherent next time.