Soul thoughts...

I've been doing a little soul searching lately. I think it's pretty normal for me to do this at this point in my life. In just over a week, I'll be turning 27. This is kind of a big deal for me. For whatever reason, 27 seems SO much older than 26. I don't know if it is the number or what, but for the last couple of months, my heart has been yearning for change. It's like my soul knows something that I don't and it is trying to get me to listen. It is like, "Hey, you're almost 27, time to do something exciting while you still can!" I don't know exactly what it is, but my soul has been restless, yearning for something new, something that will nourish me in so many necessary and new ways.
As I think of making changes in my life, I get a knot in my throat. I am torn on my feelings in making a real change. I worry that I'm running away if I decide to make a change, but then in the same breath, that my fear that I'm running away is actually an excuse I make because I'm scared to make a change. I'm probably one of the best people at rationalizing and justifying things. I can justify just about anything and make it seem reasonable and rational. How do I trust myself when I know myself so well...? I want to know how to process this and really search out what is the will for my life...
I know I need to pray and be more into the Word...that part is obvious...but if I'm going to be completely honest, only once in my life have I felt extremely led by God to do something specific. I'll do these things, but I think God allows me to do a lot of processing internally and externally as a way to communicate with me. I think he allows me to breathe everything in and realize that wherever I go, He is going with me and He will bless me if I follow His heart...
So, if a change is imminent, what is it? I know there are some things that have been on my heart a lot recently. There are actually a few things that have been there, and I just need to really ruminate on these things.
I have been thinking quite a bit about a career change. I really do love the clients that I work with, and I absolutely love my co-workers, but I have known that this job I'm in was never meant to be forever. It doesn't feed my soul, and I won't settle for something that doesn't. I know I will never be in a job that I love every single day, but I need something that will allow me to have a crappy day but that at the end of the day I know that I will still love what I do. I need something that feeds more than just my soul, though. I need something that allows me to search out my creativity, that will allow me to fulfill my need to serve others in a very obvious way, and something that allows me to use my mind to solve problems and come up with solutions.
There are a couple of things that have been on my mind for this idea of a change.
One possibility that I have been thinking about would be the hardest for me to do. It would require me to put myself out there, risk being rejected AGAIN, and if it worked out, it would require me to put in a lot of work to get to where I want to be. I have been thinking of going back to nursing school. I have been thinking about this as a very real possibility, but it scares me to death that I'm going to fail again. I wanted this so badly when I was at UNC, and it didn't happen. There was nothing I could do to make it happen. I even applied at other schools, and again received the rejection letter. I know that I'm smart enough, and I know that I want it enough, but what if that isn't enough...? I don't know if I could handle another rejection. It kind of killed all my confidence when I tried earlier. I'm just scared to try this. Another fear that goes along with this change, is that I would have to move...possibly to Texas or another state like that that has a larger nursing need. Every school here in Colorado is so highly competitive that even with a 3.5 GPA, I couldn't get in. I know that schools in other states are practically paying students to come and go to nursing school...but what if it doesn't happen for me? I think I'm so scared of putting myself out there to get rejected again...
This is the change that my heart has been stuck on, though, so I think it's worth praying about and thinking about seriously.
Another change that has been on my heart is going to Korea to teach. I know that it is needed and I know that I could do it. It scares me a lot to think of going and teaching in a country where I don't know the language and I don't know anyone. I know that one thing I would fear is missing out on things back here in the good ol' US of A. But on the other hand, I know there are lots of reasons that going to Korea would be a good move for me. I would experience having to literally be on my own. I would have to really learn what I'm made of. I would be able to pay off a lot of debt. I would learn a new language. I would meet a lot of people. I would learn about another culture. I would be able to influence little ones in a positive way. There are so many positives about it, that I've been seriously considering this change.
There are a couple of other ideas I've been thinking of, but these are the 2 that have stayed on my heart and that I've continued to ruminate on a daily basis.
I know that making a big change can be hard, but I think that even with the difficulties I would face, it would be such a positive thing to do.
I would really love everyone's prayers as this is something I'm starting to consider for the next year. Any input you all have would also be welcomed. Thanks for listening!

Ouch...

I cannot even lift my arm in order to pick up my phone. It is actually quite pathetic. I think I gave myself a little muscle strain in my triceps because I'm in a freaking lot of pain. I don't know how this keeps happening. I'm being kind of a baby about it, but whatev...

What else...?

I'm starting a biggest loser competition with a group of friends here in Longmont. We are going to start today and go through the Bolder Boulder in the end of May. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I'm not looking forward to the whole eating healthy thing...it's never been my strong point, but I am excited to have some good accountability through my roommates and through the friends that I hang out with on a regular basis. Plus, I'm excited to get in better shape so that I will be able to do the Bolder Boulder without so much trouble. We'll see how it goes...

The Broncos just hired a new head coach. I'm mostly happy with the decision Bowlen made. I think that McDaniels will bring a fresh perspective and he is coming from a great offensive team. He was the offensive coordinator for New England. He worked with the defense for a little before that, but became a QB coach and later the offensive coordinator for the Pats. He has been a part of an offensive dynasty that included Tom Brady (I hate him, but I can admit that he is an excellent QB) and after Tom Brady injured himself, he took a back-up QB who had started in one NFL game and led the offense to assist in an 11-5 season. I wish he had a little bit more of a defensive background because we are severely lacking in defensive success, but he is looking at bringing in a great defensive coach from San Fran, so I guess I would like to see how it is all going to work out. I'm hopeful that a new coach will bring a new perspective and some fresh ideas to transform our team back to a respectable contender.

I have been reading the book Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. I really like it so far. I like his perspective on Biblical interpretation and I really enjoy his style. I haven't gotten too far in, but so far I think it will be a keeper.

It's snowing outside right now. I like it because it is pretty, but I really don't want to drive to Lafayette for my meetings this afternoon...boo. Oh well, I guess it will be okay.

Well, I guess that is all that is going on in my life right now. Not much exciting...

An insight into me...

It's funny how an insignificant person in your life, and a seemingly insignificant moment in your life can give you great insight into yourself. I had an insight into one of my greatest fears and weaknesses while working out at the gym yesterday.
I've always thought that I was very self-aware about my strengths and weaknesses, and that no one could tell me something about myself that I didn't already know. Well, I figured something out last night that I'm sure others have seen, but until now I haven't seen myself.
I have a very strong fear of failure and disappointing others and myself. I know this is a very common fear for people, but I never really thought it was one of myself. Perhaps this is because I have had a fairly easy time thus far succeeding in things that I have set out to do. I don't say this to sound conceited or vain, but so far, things have come fairly easy to me. When presented with something that isn't as easy and presents some struggle, I have become terrified that through my failure, people will start to see a weak person in me.
I don't like failing. I don't like letting people down. Until now, I have had the power to control the outcomes in my life so that I don't fail and I don't let people down. Since becoming an independent adult (yuck, I still don't like saying that word about myself) I have realized that I am not brilliantly talented in every aspect of life, and that sometimes I actually suck and have to eat a little humble pie and learn how to be better. What I don't enjoy about all of this, is that while I am able to eat a little humble pie and learn something in some situations, others seem to be a little more difficult.
Remember how I said in the beginning that I am fairly self aware and know my weaknesses...? Well, a couple of my previously known weaknesses are my incredible stubbornness and pride. These come into play when it comes to not succeeding in the things that I am trying to accomplish. When I start to have difficulty in something, and failure is imminent, my stubbornness and pride come into play. I all of a sudden am so stubborn and prideful that I will make it even more difficult for myself to succeed. I get angry at myself for my performance, and rather than just accept that I may not be good at everything, I will become stubborn and sabotage my success. I think I do this so that then it is completely in my control whether I succeed or fail. If it is because of me that I fail, then I didn't truly fail. This is a weakness that I really need to work on. Maybe if I wasn't so brilliantly wonderful in everything previously (please note the sarcasm...) then this wouldn't be such a problem...I need to learn to fail gracefully. I am not sure quite how to learn this, but it is definitely a problem and I need to figure out a way to be okay with failing if I truly put everything into it and still fail. I have a hard enough time with some things, and I don't need to make myself into another obstacle to get over.
I'm not looking for a solution right now. I just wanted to post this as a way to really process what I'm feeling today.
Well, I guess that's all. I know it is very rambly and disorganized, but when I'm processing, I just go wherever the keys take me.

I'm a copycat

I am completely copying Kristy with this, but I realized I needed to update my blog, but had absolutely nothing useful or interesting to say...so here goes...
Name: Jenn (or Jenn Klopp, Hobbit, Jenna Talia, Jenna Talia Klopp, Ass Tird, etc.)
Birthdate: February 3rd, 1982...yeah, I'm old...
Birthplace: Wichita, KS
Current Location: Longmont, CO
Eye Color: I've been told my eyes are hazel...
Hair Color: It is black right now...I'm quite bored with it, but there is nothing I can do about it unless I want to bleach it and color over it again...not the best idea, so I guess I'll just wait for it to grow out.
Height: 5'2" on a good day...
Weight: Nunya...
Piercings: Just the ears...
Tattoos: I have 3...2 that I love, and 1 stupid one I did when I was a freshman in college
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: I like Kristy's response..."I am your permanent single friend."
Overused Phrase: "I feel like..." I almost never use it in a fashion where I could actually be feeling like something...it is mostly ridiculous.
FAVORITES
Food: Mac and Cheese...I'm high class like that...
Candy: Chewy Spree
Number: 42 or 17
Color: Green
Animal: I like lots of animals, but I suppose dogs
Drink: Iced Tea
Alcoholic Drink: I love fruity beers at the Red Zone...I also love margaritas...
Bagel: Pesto from Old World Bagels in Colorado Springs...can't find it anywhere else...
Letter: I've never actually thought about it...I guess I like the letter Z because of how you sign it in ASL...
Body Part on Opposite sex: Forearms...and Biceps (I will be quite stereotypical with that response...)
This or That
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
McDonalds or BurgerKing: McDonalds
Strawberry or Watermelon: Watermelon
Hot tea or Iced tea: Depends on the time and weather...I love them both...
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate all the way...unless it is cake, and then it is vanilla.
Hot Chocolate or Coffee: Coffee lately...I need caffeine
Kiss or Hug: I like them both, but probably kisses more...
Dog or Cat: Dogs, but I also do love kitties...
Rap or Punk: Well, the answer used to be rap, but now I just listen to rap from back in the day...I don't really love either of these nowadays...
Summer or Winter: Summer...but I do love winter for the scarves...
Scary Movies or Funny Movies: Funny...I can't do scary...I have to pray myself to sleep when I watch scary...
Love or Money: Love...cliche but true.
YOUR...
Bedtime: Between 11 and 12 most nights...
Most Missed Memory: There are too many...probably having BBQs at our 8th Ave house my last year in Greeley...that was the best...
Best phyiscal feature: I like my hair...I like my eyes too...
First Thought Waking Up: Snooze...
Best Friends: I have a couple...I don't need to go into it because they know who they are...
Weakness: I am very unorganized and have a hard time getting things finished that I feel are tedious or insignificant...
Fears: Heights and clowns mostly...
Heritage: German all the way through...
Longest relationship: Not very long...
HAVE YOU...
Ever Drank: Yes...
Ever Smoked: I like cigars...I've had a cigarette once...
Pot: Never have
Ever been Drunk: Yes......
Ever been beaten up: I get punched in the face by Emily all the time...I am now the president of the Mutant Support Group.
Ever beaten someone up: Again, I punch Emily in the face all the time. She is a member of the Mutant Support Group.
Ever Shoplifted: Not intentionally.
Ever Skinny Dipped: No...no one needs that...
Ever Kissed Opposite sex: Yes...
Been Dumped Lately: Nope, I did the dumping last time...
IN A GUY/GIRL
Favorite Eye Color: It doesn't really matter, but I have always loved green.
Favorite Hair Color: Don't really care, but I love dark hair.
Short or Long: Either long or bald...I've never really gone for the typical haircut...
Height: It doesn't really matter to me, but for some reason I've always gone for tall guys...
Style: As long as he wears clean clothes and doesn't wear jean shorts, we're good to go...
Looks or Personality: Personality...gotta live with that whether they're pretty or not...
Hot or Cute: Um...either...? I don't really know...
Muscular or Really Skinny: I don't like skinny, so anyone past skinny is fine with me...
RANDOMS
Number of Regrets in the Past: I have a couple...I'm not going into them.
What country do you want to Visit: Somewhere in Africa...maybe Nigeria...
And....
How do you want to Die: I don't know...
Been to the Mall Lately: I went a week ago or so...
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes!!! A lot...
Get along with your Parents: For the most part..
Health Freak: Uh...no...
Do you think you're Attractive: Sometimes...
Believe in Yourself: Sometimes.
Want to go to College: Already did...
Shower Daily: Yes...I have to or I won't wake up...
Been in Love: Nope...don't think so...
Do you Sing: Yes...
Want to get Married: I do eventually...I'm not in a rush.
Do you want Children: Yes...
Have your future kids names planned out: I have a name I like, but we'll see what actually happens.
Age you wanna lose your Virginity: What??? This is stupid...
Hate anyone: No.

There you go...a bunch of useless information you never wanted to know about me....