Ramblings...

I am not sure what I'm going to write about. I've been thinking a lot about what I'm doing in my life right now. Sometimes I'm extremely happy and proud to be doing what I'm doing. I like the fact that I'm working with people who allow me to experience so many different emotions surrounding my job. I'm lucky that I don't just go to work and do the exact same thing every day and go home ready to start again the next morning.
On the other hand, I feel like I experience the latter somewhat too. I really do enjoy my clients and the coworkers that I work with, but sometimes the details and paperwork just really get me down. It's an inevitable part of my job, but somehow that doesn't make it feel any less mundane. I really do find joy in interacting with my clients. They are so great! They can be hilarious, sweet, kind, and so freaking difficult too. They are one of the two reasons I continue to do what I do. The other reason is my awesome team at Chestor House. I truly couldn't do this job without them, and they have become like family to me. It is they who make it difficult for me to even think about leaving this job.
That being said, I still feel like I am missing something in my life. I feel like my potential is not being realized where I am. I feel like my gifts are not being fully explored and I wonder how much longer I can go along in the same exact place in my life.
I know I'm not that old, but I do want someone in my life to share all these thoughts with. Am I holding myself back being afraid to leave this job and this place...? I don't know. I love the people in my life, but I'm afraid I'm so comfortable that I'm becoming complacent. I just want some answers and I don't know how to get them.
Actually, that's not true. I know exactly where I SHOULD go for answers and guidance, but it turns out that I'm not actually very good at letting go of the decisions in my life. I know that God might have a little better point of view than I do, but somehow I continue wanting to keep my decisions for myself, and then wondering later why I feel so confused.
I'm probably one of the most stubborn people that I know, which is why it becomes so hard to allow someone else to come in and disagree with me on how I should handle my life. I also have a very hard time giving up control in so many aspects of my life. It's actually kind of ridiculous but I'm not sure I know how to let go.
I think that is the answer to all these questions I have. If I give up control, who knows what will happen...In all of these things, I am in control and I don't want to give it up. Maybe if I loosen my grip even a little bit, I will start to see things in a different way and I will be able to see my life more clearly.
Well, I realize just how unorganized and scattered that is. BTW, that is all basically a way for me to process my thoughts, so please understand that I realize it doesn't make a lot of sense. I am just someone who has to actually see it on paper or hear myself say it to make it real and make it relevant.
Well, that's about all for now. I hope to have something more coherent next time.

Christmas Excitement!!!

So...if I can somehow get through this next week of craziness, I will be so ecstatic!
My next few days of work will be pretty stressful. It seems like even though December should be the most peaceful with Christmas around the bend, it actually becomes very busy and chaotic. Specifically, in my job, it seems like my clients tend to go a little crazy, and my job becomes more difficult and hectic. If I can make it through my crazy meetings in the next week, I have some really exciting things going on. I'm going to share those with you, since a lot of time my blogs are about complaining about being an adult or complaining about boys.
In about a week, I get to go to some really fun things.
I get to go to the ballet. It's very cultured of me, really. I've never been to the ballet and we are going to see the Nutcracker by the Colorado Ballet. It should be really great, and we are going to dress up and make a night on the town out of it.
After that I get to go to the Broncos game! It's my Christmas present from my parents and I'm so excited. I'm hoping that they play well...I don't want to find out that I'm bad luck when I'm there...
After that, I get to go and get a massage! I have only had one massage in my life, so it will be a great way to release some tension I've been accumulating in the last several months.
I'm on vacation for 2 whole weeks at the end of December, so that will be amazing. I can relax and just be away from the chaos of my job. I get to go home for a few days to spend Christmas with my family. I haven't had more than one day off in a row this year, so to have 2 full weeks away from work to clear my mind and revitalize myself, will be really amazing.
Well, I guess that's all for now. I'm just really blessed and sometimes I have to remember that in the midst of the stresses of my job.

Anthem

I'm looking to you
But you don't even know what
I'm looking for.
And yet, it's not your fault.
You don't have the
Ability
To be the shape of my heart
Why do I try to force
You to be something you will
Never be?
You can't fill my heart
You can't be my gratification
And yet I feel my heart pulling
I look to your eyes, but
All I can see in your eyes, are hers.
Mine well up
I'm not looking to you
Anymore
I look up
My arms stretch to the clouds
HIS eyes are looking
At only me
HE says come,
Let ME be the shape
Of your heart
Let ME fill you with all
You need
HIS grasp is mighty
And I feel
My gaze melt away from
You
And rest only on HIM.

I swore I wouldn't do this...

Okay...I swore I would never do this, but here goes. I am writing the "BOY" blog. I started my blog with the intention of writing about whatever came to mind, but also with the intention that I would not allow it to become a venting session about boy troubles or how I'm single. I'm not defined by my marital status, and I didn't want my blog to be either.
Let me start off by saying that I am actually very happy in my life. I'm not sitting around saying, "Woe is me. I'm so sad that I'm single." I actually feel quite the opposite about how my life is. I enjoy my life. I enjoy my friends. I have an active social life. I don't feel like I am less of a person because I'm single. I enjoy my life and think that it is full, however, I do wish to one day be in a relationship with a wonderful person who I can share my full life with.
What I have found as I've grown older, is that there are no good guys around. Everyone will tell me different, but I know the truth. I have found none, and when I think I finally have found someone great, it turns out to be a lie. I am tired of guys who look great on paper, but turn out to be duds in real life. I am tired of finding a person that I think would be great, but then find out that he is actually a complete D-bag in reality.
It gets very frustrating when you think that you're a great person, but yet it seems that nothing will ever pan out. I think I am quite a catch, and it would just be great to find a guy who agrees, without putting me in the "friend zone." I absolutely hate the friend zone.
If I sound angry or annoyed, it's because I am. This is all coming because of specific guys in my life who have made it seem that there are no real men out there.
I wish I could stop with the search, and just find someone. Or just realize I am destined for singleness, so I can stop expecting to find someone.
I'm sorry. I know this sounds very bitter, but I'm almost 27 and I don't know if it will ever happen for me.
And please, any attached friends, don't try to make me feel like there are some out there. I'm just here venting and I'm not looking for you to tell me that you found your mate late in life, or that there really are great guys out there. I'm not looking for comfort, sympathy, or pity.
I just needed to get my frustrations out.
Any of you single ladies out there, who understand my plight, this is for you. We love our lives, we would just love to be able to stop apologizing for our shortcomings as single women...

Election Day!

It's finally here...Election Day. It feels like it's been coming for quite a while now. I'll admit; I'm pretty ready for the political ads to stop airing, and the political emails to cease; however, I'm actually going to miss the hype. I don't like politics, and I really don't like debating politics, but there has been so much hype going into this specific election surrounding the historical importance, that once it is over, it will be like, "where did all the drama go...?"
Don't get me wrong...I do want it to be over, but it was kind of cool while it lasted. I mean, we got to be a part of something huge. The first ever African American candidate who may become our first ever African American president. I'm not going to say who I voted for, because really it's none of your business, but no matter who you vote for, you have to agree that it is pretty cool that the nation is moving in a good direction regarding equality (at least on the surface).
Well, at this point, I've done my civic duty and I have voted, so I guess all I can say is that God's will is going to be done, no matter which candidate ultimately becomes our next president. I'm not worried, I'm putting it in His hands.

Halloween

Tonight is Halloween...I've never really been big on Halloween, but the last couple of years have been really fun. I have had the chance to be really creative and come up with really amazing costumes. I think what I've liked so much is that it has brought me back to my creative side. I used to be so creative, and came up with such amazing, fun things when I was a kid. As I've become older, I've stopped creating so much. I have become kind of boring.
In fact, when I was in 5th grade (now this will give you an idea of how much of a suck up I was when I was a kid) I created puppets out of construction paper and yarn, wrote an entire puppet show about how to "Just Say NO" to drugs, and proposed it to the counselor at my elementary school so that I could go around to the younger grades and teach them about saying no to drugs. That is the kind of thing that I used to do all the time. I haven't been creative like this for years, and Halloween is allowing me to be creative again.
I've missed using the right side of my brain. I don't want to let it go to waste anymore. This is part of the reason I have started writing this blog. I may not ever write anything worthy of publishing, but I will get my words out and start letting my creativity flow.
This year I'm going as Frodo from the Lord of the Rings, which is appropriate since one of my nicknames is Hobbit. I will be practicing the Hobbit dance for this particular evening as I haven't done it in quite some time.
Happy Halloween everyone!

The Bane of my Existence

Work...I know we all have to do it, but I swear, when I was a little kid, I had such a different vision of what it would be like. It was very glamorous when I envisioned what my life would look like today, and it was SOOOO different in my wild dreams. I wish we could continue dreaming like we did when we were young. The world had so many options. In my mind, I could do absolutely anything. I even pictured myself playing at Wimbledon against Venus Williams. When did it become okay to be complacent and just go along with the machine of society...working every day, doing the same thing every day, and just living the mundane life with no excitement...?
I wish I had the guts to make some really risky decisions. How does one go about learning how to take risks when we have responsibilities that we have to care for...? I have bills, rent, car payment, student loan payments, etc., etc., etc.
In my wildest dreams today, I wish I could just pick up and move to an exciting place where everything is new and nothing is the same. I'm sure in some ways, familiarity is a great thing, but familiarity is what keeps me from moving forward and growing and learning more about myself and the world. I want to be scared and power forward anyway to push through to the other side of great.
Does anyone know how to do this? I'm unsure and I sure could use something new in my life, albeit scary.