Sorry for the delay...

So, it's basically been forever since I've posted anything...2 and a half months to be exact...I know that the 3 readers I have don't actually care because you talk to me on a regular basis, but whatevs...let's pretend that it matters if I post.

So...I haven't had too much to talk about, thus the lack in posts. I guess I can report a few things. Some informational, and some just because :)

1. My bout of "depression" is still there, but it is definitely an up and down battle. I'm feeling better about life in general, there are just some situational things that still get me down. I wouldn't say it is depression, just some pretty normal emotional reactions to situations that arise in life. Thanks to everyone for the encouragement, and I'm continuing to fight that mini battle in my life.

2. I have lost 35 pounds to date. It is really encouraging that for once in my life I am actually sticking to something and making a real, positive change for myself. I have actually learned a lot about myself and about my character. It's not all pretty, but I think that I'm on the right track. I'll keep you all updated on my progress.

3. Broncos regular season starts in less than a month!!!!! I can't freaking wait! I am also reserving my judgment of the team and the QB for the regular season. There is absolutely no reason to speculate on things until we see their feet touch the turf for a full game of real football. I don't want to talk about Orton or McD or Marshall until we see what actually happens. That is that.

4. I went on vacation. It was wonderful. I took a road trip with Kristy and Karla to L.A. and it was fabulous to get away and go on a drama-free trip with great friends. We hung out with Kristy's friend Ronalee (she's great!), and she became our personal tour guide for the trip. We went to Pasadena, Hollywood, Rodeo Dr., Malibu Beach, and Warner Bros. Studios. We even got to hang out on the set that Gilmore Girls was filmed and have dinner outside Luke's Diner!!! Dream come true. It was a really great adventure, and I learned something very valuable...I absolutely never want to live or even visit Utah. Just trust me, it bursts into flames...I take that as a sign.

5. I think I know what the next step of my life should be...I want to be a physical therapist. I haven't been able to take any next steps for that goal yet, but I know that it is something I am very interested in. I am just having a hard time figuring out how to get started towards it. I'm lacking in necessary clinical experience to be able to apply for schools, so I have to figure out how I would obtain that experience, and therein lies the problem. It is a fairly early idea, so I'm still in the beginning stages of figuring things out, but I just thought I would put it out there and see what ya'll thought.

6. I am quite pathetic, but I'm so excited for Project Runway and So You Think You Can Dance to start back up again.

7. My brother is getting married in less than a month. I'm very excited for him because I just love the girl he has chosen! I am in the wedding, which is a little strange for me because I'm not used to standing up in front of people in a dress while they stare, but I'm sure it will be beautiful and a lot of fun.

I think I'm out of updates for you. I know this wasn't a very exciting post, but I am at work and decided to do something completely unproductive and not at all work-related, so there you go.

love,
Yenn

Bright perspective...

I have had a shift in perspective in the last couple of days. It's actually a really positive shift and I think I'm going to grow and "shrink" because of it.

I received some free sessions with a personal trainer at my gym because Jim (the owner of the gym...) wanted me to try this guy out and see if I would like working with him. When I got to the gym Monday morning to meet with him the first time, he did an entire evaluation/consultation with me. I had to fill out a questionnaire that asked all kinds of medical/physical questions and also asked about my goals. Then I had to do the dreaded weigh-in and BMI reading...oh boy...let's just say that I didn't realize how bad I had gotten...I started crying to the poor trainer kid. He just kind of stared at me not sure what to do and eventually just continued talking. It was a really hard morning for me, but ultimately it has done wonders for me.

It was a really good wake-up call for me that I have not been taking care of myself in any way. I have been dealing with some depression lately and I think yesterday my blinders came off and I realized just how unhappy and "un-me" I had become. I'm sure people in my life had noticed, but I think I was in denial of how I had been feeling. I think I just kind of started feeling lost and very out of control. My eating definitely reflected that, and so did my moods. I would be happy sometimes, but ultimately I felt out of control and I felt like I didn't know what I was doing in my life. I realize now that a lot of that has to do with how I've taken care of my body, and how that has affected the rest of me. Part of it has to do with the fact that I have been isolating myself from God. I haven't really wanted anything to do with Him because I didn't know where I was. I was kind of lost. I don't know why...I just know that I was feeling off and I didn't really know why. I think it is a combo effort of my eating and how I felt about my body because of it, my more recent lack of friends in the area, my feelings of inadequacy at my job, and my isolation from searching for God. I think I was feeling lonely and inadequate in lots of areas of my life, and so turned to food and feeling sorry for myself which just perpetuated a downward spiral into this depression I've been in lately.

The reason I'm sharing all of this is that I'm asking for support. I am starting to eat healthy and work out on a regular basis. I'm going to try to scrounge up some money so I can pay for this trainer as it provides a great deal of accountability. I'm going to start putting an effort forth to be available to God and search for Him in my daily life again. I think that with all of these things I will start to feel a difference. I already feel a bright perspective in my life. I'm trying to look around each day (this is going to sound really fluffy, but it's true) and notice all the beauty there is. I have been looking at the mountains more and realizing how wonderful it is to drink coffee and eat eggs in the morning.

What I need from you all is to remind me why I'm doing what I'm doing. Remind me that God has good things in store for me and that I need to take care of myself to be able to fully accept those things from Him. I am already starting to feel more positive and I know that doing these things will ultimately help me feel better about myself and about everything in my life.

I love you all and appreciate you all.

Love,
Yenn

Boredom...

I am bored. And I am broke. That is a bad combination. I did however have a pretty eventful and fun weekend.

On Friday night we had a "party" at our house. It started out a little on the lame side, but eventually turned out pretty fun. At the outset of our party only 4 people had shown up (and not exactly fun people at that). I got kind of discouraged because about an hour before the party started we received calls or texts from several people saying they could no longer come. I kept thinking about how lame we were...but then, my dear friend T.J. walked in my kitchen. Now, I had been trying to get ahold of him for several days to see if he could come, and he was not returning any messages...so when he walked in the kitchen, I was literally shocked to see him...and then, Emily walked in a few minutes later! We officially had a party, plus my other Emily came too! It turned out to be pretty fun and there was a good group of people there, so we had a successful party afterall.

Saturday was Courtney and Brian's wedding. They had a beautiful outdoor wedding, which did get rained on a few times through the evening, but it was beautiful nonetheless. I loved how simple and pretty everything was, and it was so much fun to just hang out and dance with all my friends for 5 hours! I only had one momentary freak out about being one of very few singles there, but that was a short-lived freak out and I was able to still enjoy myself throughout the night. I'm so happy for Courtney and Brian. They were obviously very in love and it was a beautiful night for them!

Sunday night we decided to walk over to our fave bar in Longmont, the Red Zone, since we didn't have to work Monday. We walked over and enjoyed a few drinks and company. I did become incredibly irritated with a gentleman who joined us for drinks who just happens to be an incredibly huge tool and douche bag, but that didn't ruin the night. In fact, when we moved our group outside to sit at the bar, we got to talk to our favorite bartender, Brent (he is kind of great...). He is just really cool and I may or may not have a ginormous crush on him...he talked to us for a while and then told us our drinks were on him since he never gets to buy us drinks! I was pretty excited about that (simple pleasures for me, folks...).

Monday I slept in and had lunch with Shmembo and bought Copeland's latest album. So far, so good. Then I watched the Nuggets annihilate Kobe and the Lakers.

That was my weekend. You got way more information than you ever wanted, but there it is. I just thought I'd give a little update for anyone who was interested.

Love,
Yenn

8 Things (so you can stop harassing me through your blog, Kristy...)

Here is a blog dedicated to my dear friend Kristy. It is titled:
8 Things:

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Slept in until noon. I was up way too late Saturday night.
2. Watched the Lakers kill the Rockets...boo. I hate the Lakers. I hate Kobe Bryant. Now the Nuggets have to play them and their smug faces...
3. Went to dinner at Chili's. That is 2 days in a row...I'm in a rut.
4. "Helped" our new roommate move some of his things in.
5. Watched Iron Chef America.
6. I lead a very sad life apparently...I can't think of 2 more things I did...
7. Sat on the couch being lazy because it was Sunday and I was sad that the next day was monday...
8. Drank wine to commence the era of Mary and Jenn.



8 Things I am Looking Forward To:
1. Our party on Friday...It's finally summer and we are celebrating!
2. Courtney and Brian's wedding on Saturday. It will be interesting if nothing else...
3. Watching The Hills tonight...I love it. I'm not ashamed.
4. The first game of the Nuggets-Lakers series Tuesday night...I'm looking forward to it, but I'm so nervous!
5. Broncos Fanfair! I'm excited for it, even though I probably won't meet any players I actually know since I'm pretty sure McD got rid of 78% of the players from last year...
6. Going to a Rockies game with the college girls! It's a reunion of sorts!
7. Having a "secret" rendezvous with a friend...
8. Doing the Autism Walk on May 30th!



8 TV Shows I Watch:
1. The Hills...obviously.
2. LOST!!!!! Even though I have to wait another 7 months to watch it again!
3. So You Think You Can Dance...it starts soooo soon!
4. The Office
5. Gilmore Girls...I want my own Jess-Luke combo.
6. Grey's Anatomy...I freaking bawl my eyes out every week!
7. House...I love it, even if he is a rip-off of Dr. Cox.
8. American Idol! Finale this week!



8 Favorite Bands:
1. The Format...I don't care if they aren't together anymore...they still hold my heart.
2. Muse
3. Copeland
4. Mute Math
5. FUN
6. Foo Fighters
7. The Heyday
8. Eisley

Okay, there it is. Several lists for your reading pleasure...Enjoy.
Love,
Jenn

Random thoughts...

All right...I figured it had been way too long since I had updated anything. Now, don't hope for much. I don't have much new to say.

First, let me let you into my life a little. I had a bit of a breakdown the other night. My singleness was brought front and center in my life. I usually do okay when it comes to the fact that I'm single. I have a full life and I enjoy what I do, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't wish every once in a while that I was in a relationship. Like I said, it is not all the time, but I do wish that I could find someone to spend my time with. I think what happened this weekend was that everywhere I went, everyone was either married or had a child, or both. Now, let me just preface this by saying that I am not ready for a child, but that is definitely part of what happened this weekend. I think I let pressure build up as the days went on, and eventually I just kind of exploded. I allowed what society says about age and singleness come in and make me doubt myself and doubt my worth. I hate that it happened. I tend to think I'm a pretty cool gal, and I think I have a lot to offer in a relationship. However, when that big number "27" crept into my mind, I started to wonder if something was wrong with me since I wasn't in a relationship already. I'm past the average age a woman gets married...that freaked me out. I just started to wonder what it was about me that kept me out of relationships. Then crept in the doubt and the worry, and voila, I had a breakdown. I hate that I let things like an age get to me, but I did. I really think I need to start focusing on making myself the best I can be, and when the time comes for a relationship, I will know exactly what I want out of it, and exactly how much I have to offer...Okay, that is all with the self-help talk...

The second thing that has been on my mind (this won't exactly come as a shocker to anyone) is the Broncos. I have been thinking a lot about them- and I'm sure some of you think that is quite stupid- and I've been trying to have a much better attitude. I love the Broncos. This much has always been true, but I think my attitude and outlook on the season became somewhat jaded and clouded by all the 12 year-old girl drama surrounding our former Pro-bowl Quarterback. I still think Cutler is a very good quarterback, and I'm sure he will do great in Chicago, but I definitely lost some respect for him throughout the whole ordeal. Coming off the trade, though, I was feeling pretty discouraged for my favorite team. It looked like all hope was dwindling. The coaching staff seemed discouraged, and the team members seemed a little lost and confused. That all describes how I felt at one point or another as well. Don't get me wrong...I don't live or die the Broncos, but I do love them, and I do follow them and am invested in their success. When everything went down, I was sad. It looked like maybe our team was going to really struggle. However, the past few weeks I have become much more optimistic. I've been reading about Orton and Simms and how they've been doing, and they have such great, positive, team-oriented attitudes. I think that Kyle Orton did poorly in Chicago because Lovie Smith is a defense-oriented coach, and he had a very poor supporting cast in receivers. I'm hoping that a new team, new game plan, and a second chance will prove that he deserves the starting job. I believe he will be the starter, though Simms is definitely a formidable opponent, and I'm glad we will have him as backup. I'm still waiting to see what happens in the draft, and what McD will do as coach, but I look forward to the season with hopeful anticipation.
Okay, that is all for the Broncos talk. Sorry if I bored any of you.


The last thing I think I'll talk about is a boy...I know, I already talked about this...but this is a positive thing, I think...
I have been on Match.com on and off for a year now. I have met a couple of people, and dated one guy. It didn't work out with that one, but I hope that I can meet someone. I'm not ashamed of being on match, and I know that it has worked for a lot of people. This past weekend, I started emailing with this boy named Taylor. So far, I have been the most excited to email with this boy. He seems so easy going, fun, and he likes football...there is one drawback in the team he roots for, but I can look past that if everything else about him seems great. We have just started emailing, so I'm trying not to get too excited or get my hopes up too high, but I really think that he seems like a great guy and I'm excited to get to know him more. He even commented on his faith in his first email to me. I was really impressed by that and hope that it is something that we have in common. Anyway, after my very depressing first part of this blog about being single and trying to be okay with it, I thought I would end by saying that though I am still single, and still trying to be okay with it, I am not losing hope.

For all my single compadres out there: I hope none of us loses hope, and that we continue to support one another while we try not to.

Love,
Yenn

Artsy Day in the City!

Saturday, I went to the Denver Art Museum with Kristy. I had never been to the Denver Art Museum, so it was a real treat for me. I felt like I was trying something new and expanding my horizons. I think that sometimes I need to do that. I will be the first to admit that I really know nothing about art, but I really do enjoy it and trying to learn something new about it. Saturday was no exception. The Museum was hosting a temporary exhibit called, The Psychedelic Experience. It was an exhibit that displayed music posters and other pieces of art from the '60s. It was actually quite interesting. We started to realize why there was so much drug use in the '60s, though we still aren't sure if the drug use was because everything was so "trippy" or if everything was "trippy" because of the drug use...a mystery. We got to listen to some great old albums from the '60s and look at some really great poster art for different music venues and albums.

We also explored the rest of the art museum, and found some very interesting art...like I said before, I really don't have any knowledge in art, but we did find some pieces that we really enjoyed. There were also some parts of the exhibits that were just plain frightening...for example, there was a video piece, that had a bald man in 3 frames saying, in a woman's voice, "40 lashes for her crimes." It was quite disturbing. There was another video art piece, that was on a large screen. It was the same man from the other, but he had hair, and he was being held by an old man, who kept repeating something in a woman's voice (I can't remember, I think I blocked it out). There was also a little boy who kept repeating, "There was no cure. There is no cure." Very interesting...to say the least. There were several pieces that were just very inspiring and made me want to explore my creative, artistic side more often. I will post a few pictures in here, so you can see a sampling of what we experienced. Overall, the day was great.

I'm stealing these pictures from Kristy's facebook...this is what happens when you twirl your camera and throw it across the room and it breaks...you have to steal other people's pictures...

TO-DO

I made a To-DO list today. I put it in bold in size 48 font. I wonder if that will help me get caught up and stay on task. I guess only time will tell. I'm pretty much up for trying anything...I wonder if hypnosis would work. I am really bad at working in a timely manner. I have always worked best when I have no choice but to do the work because it is due. I have never started a paper early, or studied for a test if I knew I had any amount of extended time to do it. Some people at least start a project a little early, even if it isn't right when it is assigned. I have never been that person. I have always been the person to get a syllabus at the beginning of a semester, or get a job assignment a month before it is due, and wait until the night before, or the morning of to start it! What is wrong with me?! I don't even know how to break this habit. The problem with doing it now while I'm working is that I will have several things that will come due, and I won't be able to get everything done because I have saved it all to be done at the same time. The problem this presents is that I have specific guidelines and state regulations that dictate when things need to be turned in. My procrastination problem could cause major problems...and yet, here I am, writing a blog instead of doing the work that I need to do. Does anyone have a solution to this? I don't know how to force myself to do things ahead of time...It just doesn't seem to be in my nature.

Creativity...

So, I'm going to try my hand at clothing designing...yes, that's right. I need a sparkly shirt to wear tomorrow night. I'm sure you're all wondering why I don't have a sparkly shirt to wear...I'm wondering the same thing. I feel like I should have a whole closet of sparkly shirts, seeing as how I'm obsessed with all things sparkly...Unfortunately, though, I think I threw out all the sparkly shirts I had and replaced them with green sweaters...

What I'm going to do is buy a shirt, fabric glue, and powdery glitter. I'm going to make random designs on the shirt with the fabric glue, and then i'm going to shake the glitter over the glue...I don't actually know if this will work, but I figured it was worth a shot. I like trying creative things, because I am such a concrete thinker. Sometimes my creative endeavors work out great, and sometimes they turn out like pictures of a football play...

I have also been toying with the idea of making some jewelry. My mom gave me some jewelry-making stuff for Christmas, and I really do want to make some jewelry, but I literally have no idea how to even start. Maybe I just have to jump in and do it and hope that it comes out brilliant.

On another note, Mary and I tried 2 Bible Studies this week. The first was a group that meets in Louisville. It is singles and has ages ranging from 22-38ish I would guess...for the most part it was people our age. It was actually pretty good, but I didn't like that they split the group into 2 groups for the actual discussion. I got put in the group that was really quiet and didn't talk much, and Mary got put in the group of really intelligent guys who debated philosophically the whole time...so jealous. Anyway, the group of people seemed to actually be pretty cool, and we will probably end up going back to that one.

Let me tell you about the second study we tried. It was titled, Bible 101. I was worried that it might be a study linked to the class through the church, but I didn't know and it didn't say, so I thought it was worth it to give it a shot. It was in Longmont and all, we had to try. So we got lost trying to find it, because it was a condo in a condo park. We eventually found it, albeit 10 minutes late. We knocked on the door, and a man opened it and just kind of looked at us. There was a woman in the kitchen too, so we got worried that we came on the wrong night or something. Mary asked if there was a Bible Study, and the man awkwardly answered yes. We ended up standing in the entrance-way, never being offered a seat, and standing there making incredibly difficult, awkward small talk for 15 minutes as we waited for other apparently imaginary Bible study members. Finally we started, and we opened to Ephesians 3, which we had not read yet, being as it was our first night...they didn't have any questions or anything, so the "leader" read the passage out loud...worst reader EVER! I had to re-read it myself over and over because I couldn't follow at all when he read it. We were just supposed to talk about it...no direction whatsoever. Mary basically took the lead because I'm quiet, and the other 2 literally just sat there silently, so we sat there for 30 minutes tops having really awkward discussion. Finally it was time to go, and Mary and I scooted our way out of there as soon as we possibly could...needless to say, we are not going back there again.

We are hopeful that the Tuesday night study will work out, just a little sad it is not in Longmont...oh well, we will deal.

Well, I guess that is all for now. Wish me luck with my creative endeavors!

Love,
Jenn

V8 Soup...eww...

Dear Blog Followers,
I know there are not many of you, and I really don't blame any of you if you decide not to follow my blog after this post. The thing is, I'm quite uninteresting these days.

Let me tell you about something disgusting I just saw on television. It is called a V8 soup commercial. It is completely disgusting-looking. V8 drink is sick all by itself...make it into a soup...? Vomitous.

Also, when one is talking trash about Jack McCoy (the DA from Law and Order), shouldn't the friends facing him tell said person that he has walked up behind him, and therefore he should stop talking trash about him...? I realize that was quite confusing, but really, shouldn't they have said, "shhh, dude, he's right behind you?"

I had an MRI on Monday. It turns out that I don't exactly love having MRIs done, and in fact I kind of become quite panicky for all parts of the process. For instance, did you know that they inject contrast into the area being looked at? They do! I did not know this when I arrived for my appointment. I was signing the releases when the receptionist said, "You know they do injections in the injured area, right?" I nodded yes, but of course was screaming, "NOOOO", and then I became panic-stricken. When it came time to go back, I became extremely anxious. I even started tearing/misting up when the tech came in and started explaining the process to me. The "Injector Specialist" (what I'm choosing to call him; he was very official-looking, and only there to administer injections...) came in, and said, "Are you scared?" Yeah, apparently my face read panic all over it. The tech then asked if I needed a hand to hold...yes, that's right, a 27 year-old woman needed a stranger's hand to hold for a simple injection. It turns out that the injection to numb me wasn't so bad, but when they inject the contrast, it fills up the area with fluid and so my wrist started feeling about 10 pounds heavier...such a weird and yucky feeling.
Next, it was my turn to go squeeze into an MRI machine. It doesn't look anything like what is on TV. It is not a tube, it is a flat surface to lay on, and a flat surface that you slide into...it is only about 2.5 inches from my face. Now, I'm not usually terrified of small spaces, but when they slide you into this machine, and put earphones on you so the noises don't deafen you, I become quite anxious. The tech told me I wouldn't get to move for 35-40 minutes. It was the longest 35 minutes of my life. I think I was having mini anxiety attacks the whole time I was in there, specifically every time the noises started...stimulus overload...
Anyway, that is a very long, uninteresting story about my MRI experience. If you never have to have one done, count yourself lucky...p.s. My wrist is still sore from the injection...boo...
At least I have my follow-up appointment tomorrow and I will finally know if there is actually anything wrong with my wrist...

I am so happy tomorrow is my Friday...it is a very busy day for me, but thank God it will go by pretty quickly.

This is my last weekend of being on-call!!! Yay!!! I can't even wait. It's been a short month, but it feels like it's dragged on forever.......

I wish I wasn't associated with "Christians" who are seen as very hateful, and I wish Jesus was represented better. The end.

Love,
Jenn

Not even grown up...

I hate how irresponsible I can be. I'm seeing it in lots of areas of my life right now, and it really does affect so many things...How are some people just so innately responsible and so good at making good decisions for their lives, and others are like me...?
I don't get it, and I'm really trying to change in this area of my life. My first step to that was making a call to Comcast and having to face the music. I had to face the consequences that my irresponsibility caused...I guess I can put it in as one of those invaluable experiences that allow you to see your weaknesses and make better choices...I'll have to or I'll never learn...

On a lighter note, I'm going to the Springs this weekend. I'm going to celebrate with my friend Kellie as she is getting closer to locking that ol' ball and chain. :) I'm also going down to spend some time with my good friend Kristy and I'm excited to get out of Longmont for a little bit...I'm hoping for some nice weather...While there, we are going to see a movie, the Shopaholic movie. I'm excited. Going, are of course me; and Mary, Karla, Kristy, Karen, and Kellie if she wishes to join us...It'll just be nice to be with a different crowd than usual and get to have a nice girls' weekend...

Plus, Mary and Karla are staying with me at my parents' house so I will get to see them and that will be good.

Maybe we can go to La Baguette for lunch on Saturday, and then walk around downtown. I'm hoping it will be a beautiful day like today, because then it will be wonderful to walk around downtown, as Acacia Park is fun during the day on the weekend.

I realize that this is a very rambly message, but I'm listening to some wonderful music on Pandora and just enjoying a short work day. I'm also realizing that my life may soon be without TV for a couple of months, and I'm trying to be okay with that. I know that sounds sad, but it's true. I rely a lot on TV for entertainment during the week. On the weekends it's not such a big deal, but at night when I come home from work, all I want to do is watch TV and veg...I'm really going to have to come up with more creative, better ways to spend my time I guess...

Well, I suppose I should go. We are having Meredith's going away party and I have to go with Christine to buy her a present before we get there...talk to you all later!

Confusion sets in...

I am not a creeper and I am not desperate...but all of a sudden, I feel like that is how I am going to come across when trying to figure out how to interact (or not interact) with someone...
I don't actually know what I'm doing. I'm not usually this unsure of myself. I hate that I am allowing someone else to make me feel this uncertain.
I'm sure by now, that you have all figured out that I am talking about someone of the opposite sex. I am not in a relationship with this person, but I would like to see if a relationship of any kind is a possibility. With this interest, all of a sudden I become an insecure, silly girl. That just pisses me off...
I should be confident and sure of myself. I know I'm a great person, but all of a sudden I'm saying to myself, self, if you text him too soon it will look like this, or if he hasn't called to see if you want to do anything, he isn't intersted, and if you try to initiate you will come off very desperate and he won't want anything to do with you...What is wrong with me?! Does this happen to everyone? I hate that a very random situation with a very random person has turned me into this person who is very unassured...I just want to know where to go from here, if anywhere...
Does anyone have an answer...?!

Soul thoughts...

I've been doing a little soul searching lately. I think it's pretty normal for me to do this at this point in my life. In just over a week, I'll be turning 27. This is kind of a big deal for me. For whatever reason, 27 seems SO much older than 26. I don't know if it is the number or what, but for the last couple of months, my heart has been yearning for change. It's like my soul knows something that I don't and it is trying to get me to listen. It is like, "Hey, you're almost 27, time to do something exciting while you still can!" I don't know exactly what it is, but my soul has been restless, yearning for something new, something that will nourish me in so many necessary and new ways.
As I think of making changes in my life, I get a knot in my throat. I am torn on my feelings in making a real change. I worry that I'm running away if I decide to make a change, but then in the same breath, that my fear that I'm running away is actually an excuse I make because I'm scared to make a change. I'm probably one of the best people at rationalizing and justifying things. I can justify just about anything and make it seem reasonable and rational. How do I trust myself when I know myself so well...? I want to know how to process this and really search out what is the will for my life...
I know I need to pray and be more into the Word...that part is obvious...but if I'm going to be completely honest, only once in my life have I felt extremely led by God to do something specific. I'll do these things, but I think God allows me to do a lot of processing internally and externally as a way to communicate with me. I think he allows me to breathe everything in and realize that wherever I go, He is going with me and He will bless me if I follow His heart...
So, if a change is imminent, what is it? I know there are some things that have been on my heart a lot recently. There are actually a few things that have been there, and I just need to really ruminate on these things.
I have been thinking quite a bit about a career change. I really do love the clients that I work with, and I absolutely love my co-workers, but I have known that this job I'm in was never meant to be forever. It doesn't feed my soul, and I won't settle for something that doesn't. I know I will never be in a job that I love every single day, but I need something that will allow me to have a crappy day but that at the end of the day I know that I will still love what I do. I need something that feeds more than just my soul, though. I need something that allows me to search out my creativity, that will allow me to fulfill my need to serve others in a very obvious way, and something that allows me to use my mind to solve problems and come up with solutions.
There are a couple of things that have been on my mind for this idea of a change.
One possibility that I have been thinking about would be the hardest for me to do. It would require me to put myself out there, risk being rejected AGAIN, and if it worked out, it would require me to put in a lot of work to get to where I want to be. I have been thinking of going back to nursing school. I have been thinking about this as a very real possibility, but it scares me to death that I'm going to fail again. I wanted this so badly when I was at UNC, and it didn't happen. There was nothing I could do to make it happen. I even applied at other schools, and again received the rejection letter. I know that I'm smart enough, and I know that I want it enough, but what if that isn't enough...? I don't know if I could handle another rejection. It kind of killed all my confidence when I tried earlier. I'm just scared to try this. Another fear that goes along with this change, is that I would have to move...possibly to Texas or another state like that that has a larger nursing need. Every school here in Colorado is so highly competitive that even with a 3.5 GPA, I couldn't get in. I know that schools in other states are practically paying students to come and go to nursing school...but what if it doesn't happen for me? I think I'm so scared of putting myself out there to get rejected again...
This is the change that my heart has been stuck on, though, so I think it's worth praying about and thinking about seriously.
Another change that has been on my heart is going to Korea to teach. I know that it is needed and I know that I could do it. It scares me a lot to think of going and teaching in a country where I don't know the language and I don't know anyone. I know that one thing I would fear is missing out on things back here in the good ol' US of A. But on the other hand, I know there are lots of reasons that going to Korea would be a good move for me. I would experience having to literally be on my own. I would have to really learn what I'm made of. I would be able to pay off a lot of debt. I would learn a new language. I would meet a lot of people. I would learn about another culture. I would be able to influence little ones in a positive way. There are so many positives about it, that I've been seriously considering this change.
There are a couple of other ideas I've been thinking of, but these are the 2 that have stayed on my heart and that I've continued to ruminate on a daily basis.
I know that making a big change can be hard, but I think that even with the difficulties I would face, it would be such a positive thing to do.
I would really love everyone's prayers as this is something I'm starting to consider for the next year. Any input you all have would also be welcomed. Thanks for listening!

Ouch...

I cannot even lift my arm in order to pick up my phone. It is actually quite pathetic. I think I gave myself a little muscle strain in my triceps because I'm in a freaking lot of pain. I don't know how this keeps happening. I'm being kind of a baby about it, but whatev...

What else...?

I'm starting a biggest loser competition with a group of friends here in Longmont. We are going to start today and go through the Bolder Boulder in the end of May. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I'm not looking forward to the whole eating healthy thing...it's never been my strong point, but I am excited to have some good accountability through my roommates and through the friends that I hang out with on a regular basis. Plus, I'm excited to get in better shape so that I will be able to do the Bolder Boulder without so much trouble. We'll see how it goes...

The Broncos just hired a new head coach. I'm mostly happy with the decision Bowlen made. I think that McDaniels will bring a fresh perspective and he is coming from a great offensive team. He was the offensive coordinator for New England. He worked with the defense for a little before that, but became a QB coach and later the offensive coordinator for the Pats. He has been a part of an offensive dynasty that included Tom Brady (I hate him, but I can admit that he is an excellent QB) and after Tom Brady injured himself, he took a back-up QB who had started in one NFL game and led the offense to assist in an 11-5 season. I wish he had a little bit more of a defensive background because we are severely lacking in defensive success, but he is looking at bringing in a great defensive coach from San Fran, so I guess I would like to see how it is all going to work out. I'm hopeful that a new coach will bring a new perspective and some fresh ideas to transform our team back to a respectable contender.

I have been reading the book Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. I really like it so far. I like his perspective on Biblical interpretation and I really enjoy his style. I haven't gotten too far in, but so far I think it will be a keeper.

It's snowing outside right now. I like it because it is pretty, but I really don't want to drive to Lafayette for my meetings this afternoon...boo. Oh well, I guess it will be okay.

Well, I guess that is all that is going on in my life right now. Not much exciting...

An insight into me...

It's funny how an insignificant person in your life, and a seemingly insignificant moment in your life can give you great insight into yourself. I had an insight into one of my greatest fears and weaknesses while working out at the gym yesterday.
I've always thought that I was very self-aware about my strengths and weaknesses, and that no one could tell me something about myself that I didn't already know. Well, I figured something out last night that I'm sure others have seen, but until now I haven't seen myself.
I have a very strong fear of failure and disappointing others and myself. I know this is a very common fear for people, but I never really thought it was one of myself. Perhaps this is because I have had a fairly easy time thus far succeeding in things that I have set out to do. I don't say this to sound conceited or vain, but so far, things have come fairly easy to me. When presented with something that isn't as easy and presents some struggle, I have become terrified that through my failure, people will start to see a weak person in me.
I don't like failing. I don't like letting people down. Until now, I have had the power to control the outcomes in my life so that I don't fail and I don't let people down. Since becoming an independent adult (yuck, I still don't like saying that word about myself) I have realized that I am not brilliantly talented in every aspect of life, and that sometimes I actually suck and have to eat a little humble pie and learn how to be better. What I don't enjoy about all of this, is that while I am able to eat a little humble pie and learn something in some situations, others seem to be a little more difficult.
Remember how I said in the beginning that I am fairly self aware and know my weaknesses...? Well, a couple of my previously known weaknesses are my incredible stubbornness and pride. These come into play when it comes to not succeeding in the things that I am trying to accomplish. When I start to have difficulty in something, and failure is imminent, my stubbornness and pride come into play. I all of a sudden am so stubborn and prideful that I will make it even more difficult for myself to succeed. I get angry at myself for my performance, and rather than just accept that I may not be good at everything, I will become stubborn and sabotage my success. I think I do this so that then it is completely in my control whether I succeed or fail. If it is because of me that I fail, then I didn't truly fail. This is a weakness that I really need to work on. Maybe if I wasn't so brilliantly wonderful in everything previously (please note the sarcasm...) then this wouldn't be such a problem...I need to learn to fail gracefully. I am not sure quite how to learn this, but it is definitely a problem and I need to figure out a way to be okay with failing if I truly put everything into it and still fail. I have a hard enough time with some things, and I don't need to make myself into another obstacle to get over.
I'm not looking for a solution right now. I just wanted to post this as a way to really process what I'm feeling today.
Well, I guess that's all. I know it is very rambly and disorganized, but when I'm processing, I just go wherever the keys take me.

I'm a copycat

I am completely copying Kristy with this, but I realized I needed to update my blog, but had absolutely nothing useful or interesting to say...so here goes...
Name: Jenn (or Jenn Klopp, Hobbit, Jenna Talia, Jenna Talia Klopp, Ass Tird, etc.)
Birthdate: February 3rd, 1982...yeah, I'm old...
Birthplace: Wichita, KS
Current Location: Longmont, CO
Eye Color: I've been told my eyes are hazel...
Hair Color: It is black right now...I'm quite bored with it, but there is nothing I can do about it unless I want to bleach it and color over it again...not the best idea, so I guess I'll just wait for it to grow out.
Height: 5'2" on a good day...
Weight: Nunya...
Piercings: Just the ears...
Tattoos: I have 3...2 that I love, and 1 stupid one I did when I was a freshman in college
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: I like Kristy's response..."I am your permanent single friend."
Overused Phrase: "I feel like..." I almost never use it in a fashion where I could actually be feeling like something...it is mostly ridiculous.
FAVORITES
Food: Mac and Cheese...I'm high class like that...
Candy: Chewy Spree
Number: 42 or 17
Color: Green
Animal: I like lots of animals, but I suppose dogs
Drink: Iced Tea
Alcoholic Drink: I love fruity beers at the Red Zone...I also love margaritas...
Bagel: Pesto from Old World Bagels in Colorado Springs...can't find it anywhere else...
Letter: I've never actually thought about it...I guess I like the letter Z because of how you sign it in ASL...
Body Part on Opposite sex: Forearms...and Biceps (I will be quite stereotypical with that response...)
This or That
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
McDonalds or BurgerKing: McDonalds
Strawberry or Watermelon: Watermelon
Hot tea or Iced tea: Depends on the time and weather...I love them both...
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate all the way...unless it is cake, and then it is vanilla.
Hot Chocolate or Coffee: Coffee lately...I need caffeine
Kiss or Hug: I like them both, but probably kisses more...
Dog or Cat: Dogs, but I also do love kitties...
Rap or Punk: Well, the answer used to be rap, but now I just listen to rap from back in the day...I don't really love either of these nowadays...
Summer or Winter: Summer...but I do love winter for the scarves...
Scary Movies or Funny Movies: Funny...I can't do scary...I have to pray myself to sleep when I watch scary...
Love or Money: Love...cliche but true.
YOUR...
Bedtime: Between 11 and 12 most nights...
Most Missed Memory: There are too many...probably having BBQs at our 8th Ave house my last year in Greeley...that was the best...
Best phyiscal feature: I like my hair...I like my eyes too...
First Thought Waking Up: Snooze...
Best Friends: I have a couple...I don't need to go into it because they know who they are...
Weakness: I am very unorganized and have a hard time getting things finished that I feel are tedious or insignificant...
Fears: Heights and clowns mostly...
Heritage: German all the way through...
Longest relationship: Not very long...
HAVE YOU...
Ever Drank: Yes...
Ever Smoked: I like cigars...I've had a cigarette once...
Pot: Never have
Ever been Drunk: Yes......
Ever been beaten up: I get punched in the face by Emily all the time...I am now the president of the Mutant Support Group.
Ever beaten someone up: Again, I punch Emily in the face all the time. She is a member of the Mutant Support Group.
Ever Shoplifted: Not intentionally.
Ever Skinny Dipped: No...no one needs that...
Ever Kissed Opposite sex: Yes...
Been Dumped Lately: Nope, I did the dumping last time...
IN A GUY/GIRL
Favorite Eye Color: It doesn't really matter, but I have always loved green.
Favorite Hair Color: Don't really care, but I love dark hair.
Short or Long: Either long or bald...I've never really gone for the typical haircut...
Height: It doesn't really matter to me, but for some reason I've always gone for tall guys...
Style: As long as he wears clean clothes and doesn't wear jean shorts, we're good to go...
Looks or Personality: Personality...gotta live with that whether they're pretty or not...
Hot or Cute: Um...either...? I don't really know...
Muscular or Really Skinny: I don't like skinny, so anyone past skinny is fine with me...
RANDOMS
Number of Regrets in the Past: I have a couple...I'm not going into them.
What country do you want to Visit: Somewhere in Africa...maybe Nigeria...
And....
How do you want to Die: I don't know...
Been to the Mall Lately: I went a week ago or so...
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes!!! A lot...
Get along with your Parents: For the most part..
Health Freak: Uh...no...
Do you think you're Attractive: Sometimes...
Believe in Yourself: Sometimes.
Want to go to College: Already did...
Shower Daily: Yes...I have to or I won't wake up...
Been in Love: Nope...don't think so...
Do you Sing: Yes...
Want to get Married: I do eventually...I'm not in a rush.
Do you want Children: Yes...
Have your future kids names planned out: I have a name I like, but we'll see what actually happens.
Age you wanna lose your Virginity: What??? This is stupid...
Hate anyone: No.

There you go...a bunch of useless information you never wanted to know about me....